A Sri Lankan Selectors Hand book
With all the talk of the Muppets and jokers one wonders what kind of pressure a Sri Lankan selector is under when he signs up for the job. How do his interviews go? Is there a vigorous training these guys under go or is it just on the job training where mistakes are acceptable?
Basically how does a selector (or one who wants to be one-although we are not sure why you’d want to) go about their job.
So to help our budding selector wanna-be’s we have come up with the essential hand book for a Sri Lankan selector.
1.Before applying for the job, make sure you are someone with absolutely no cricket background. In the unfortunate event of you having some cricketing knowledge and know how-lie about it, or at the very worst make sure it’s at a very minimum.
If you are currently playing cricket-quit now if you want to pursue being a selector
2.It is essential that you know the political situation in Sri Lanka and especially important is knowledge on who is on whose payroll (Without this you are basically a batsmen with out a bat.).
3.Know your Player stats- No, not the runs or wickets he has taken- rather their family name i.e. who are their fathers (or mothers) and what sort of power do they have in Sri Lankan politics and how deep are their pockets.
Where was the player born- USA/UK take priority over anyone born in Sri Lanka.
4.Know your geography- Sri Lankan geography that is. Its well established fact that players from outside of Colombo are basically useless. So any players doing well in the outstations should not even get a look in until they move to Colombo and are capable of indulging in the much higher living expenses in the capital.
If you are not aware that clubs exist outside Colombo this will be seen favorably
5.Homesickness unwelcome- If you are the sort to get homesick do not consider applying. As a selector you will be required to travel extensively around the world. What you do once you reach the touring country is your business but the board will make sure you are given enough cash to go shopping and pick up that saree or two for the wife back home.
Sometimes you will be required to actually attend tour matches but these inconveniences are rare.
6.Know your enemy- Although as a cricket selector you might naturally expect to have a carefree life it’s not always rosy. There are many people who will question your every move and every player you drop. Usually these enemies or nemesis comes in 3 forms
- -The sports minister: He is the only one who has more power than a selector when picking a team. Don’t be surprised if the good minister goes behind your back to bring back a player you have dropped. But thankfully these occasions are few and far between.-Arjuna Ranatunga: Arjuna is a bit of a wild-card. There is absolutely no logic in the way this man behaves, which eventually means there is no knowing when he may or may not attack a selector using the media and his political influences. He will usually always doubt the system that you have set in place and will almost always doubt the player you pick. Be strong when this happens because Arjuna usually looses stamina due to his over grown belly
Disgruntled ex-Players: These guys are the real cry babies. When you drop them they will use the media to attack selectors and call them names. Disgruntled Ex-players and the sports ministers have a unique bond that can never be broken, so don’t be caught off guard if they tag team you from the blind side. E.g. include: Marvan Atappatu, Upul Chandana,Roshan Mahanama
7.Practice makes perfect: When you pick a certain player and he fails consistently over a period of time don’t be disheartened. Keep picking him till he gets those once in a blue moon 50s regardless of other more consistent players.
Tip: One 50 is more than enough to secure a place of said player(s) for the next tours.
8.Talent Spotting: You will be required to know how to spot talent from the youngsters coming through the system. Pls do keep in mind that Pts 2, 3, 4 are essential when even considering a young player for selection. Failure to meet any of the said 3 pts means an automatic disqualification of the player.
Hussey-Cricketing Anomaly?
Mike Hussey made his debut at the ripe old age of 30. And what a sensation he has been ever since he pulled on his baggy green. His transition from FC cricket to Test level has been probably the smoothest in the game and Hussey took to Test cricket like a duck to water.
Currently Hussey avgs a stunning 86.18 after nearly 20 tests. Second only to “the great man”.
He has stacked up 7 hundreds and 8 fifties in his 29 digs so far. But his true virtuoso performances came against England and now Sri Lanka. Many believe Australia’s 05 Ashes loss to England was mainly due to Hussey not being in the team. They have a lot to back up their case- in the 5 Ashes tests in 06 Hussey avgs a mind blowing 91.
But has his formidable success really been a surprise to anyone who has followed his career at WA and then at Durham, Gloucestershire and Northamptonshire?
Husseys career stats
Hussey had to trudge through 11 years and 15,313 first-class runs before he got his Australian call-up. That is reflection on the quality of his spirit and his unerring determination and his patience, 3 qualities that shine every time he takes guard.
Alien abduction and Demonic Possession
“We shall defend our Island, whatever the cost may be, we shall fight on the beaches, we shall fight on the landing grounds, we shall fight in the fields and in the streets, we shall fight in the hills; we shall never surrender”- Were the words of Churchill.
Similar uttering were heard from the Lankans when they recently toured Australia
“We are not afraid of the short ball”, “We are here to win”, “We are not push overs”, “I want to bowl faster” were some of the flurry of chatter coming from the willow wielders and leather trundlers from the emerald isle. Unfortunately maybe Mahela and his men dint get to the part where Churchill and his troops fought back in WWII and backed up their chat. Something that was sadly lacking from Sri Lankans.
So what really went wrong ?
Simple.
Alien-Abduction and Demonic Possession
Apart from being the “noisiest” Sri Lankan team to tour, some of the decisions made by us were mind-boggling that even psycho-killer “Jigsaw” from the cult thriller movie SAW would be impressed.
The decision to bowl first in the 1st test and then not include possibly the most dangerous quick to roll his arm over since Romesh Ratnayake was left out. Yet the captain spoke of expecting the ball to swing and Ponting claimed the pitch would be “interesting”. Apparently none of these views made any dent in the decision making process to leave out Lasith Malinga.
Its clear that Mahela was indeed possessed by the devil when he made this decision. I suspect he was “taken over” during the flight over to Brisbane
Where was the captain who made all the right calls in the WC ?
The lad who wanted to bowl “faster” never reached the 150s he hit during the last tour to NZ. Maybe he is pre-occupied with his hair colour that he has forgotten to hurl them at good pace. Indeed, where has Malingas pace gone since the WC ? Clearly he has been abducted by aliens since his 4 in 4 jolt against the Saffers in the West Indies and been brain-washed by them or “someone” to thinking he should send it down at micky mouse pace.
Meanwhile Fernando claimed he will deliver the Aussie batsmen “something special”. At least he lived up to his word.
3 wickets for 314 runs at 104 is clearly something special very very special.And Im sure the Australians thought so as well.